Diary of a Grown-Up Church Girl
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Sometimes you need to scream

3/5/2015

18 Comments

 
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I don’t often visibly lose control, but on yesterday I did.  I had just about had enough.

My emotions were all over the place. 

I started the day having an morning meeting that put me on cloud nine!  I was so happy, so excited, so thrilled with this glimpse at a future I was hoping to soon embrace.  By noon, that image was crushed with some information that was absolutely heartbreaking to me and which threatened my ability to make my early morning dream come true.

Then I got news at work of a “rule” that made no sense to me and made me question why I even worked for a company that would adhere to such madness. 

I quickly remembered why -- because I like to eat and live inside.  So I tried to get over it. 

While trying to get through a busy afternoon at the office, I was constantly bombarded with questions from all directions, most of which were – between me and you -- stupid.  Not just regular stupid, really stupid.  At one point, I just put my head down on my desk and waited for someone to bring me milk and cookies and tell me that everything was going to be ok.  I waited for about 28 seconds and when that didn't happen, I raised my head back up and resumed my position.  I need my job, as I've grown accustomed to shelter.


Then my cell phone buzzed indicating that I’d received a text from a relatively nice man that I never should have responded to when he reached out to me on the online dating site I wrote about earlier.  He seemed nice and, thinking I might be ready to have a man in my life, I responded to him.  We spoke twice and he must have snorted about 349 times.  Yes, snorted as in snot.  And spit. 

This is just between me and you, right?  I'd like to let you in on a little secret...

I hate spit. 

Its gross.  Spit frightens me, it’s been that way with me for years.  So when this man snorted throughout our entire conversation, all I could think of was spit, and I knew then that there simply could be no future to our relationship. 

But, what I found almost equally unacceptable was that he cursed. 

Now I have been known to cuss like a sailor myself (yes, me the church girl), but not during an initial conversation with a person, ya know?  Especially someone I’m trying to impress!  This man said a few choice words during our very first conversation and that was, for me, a complete turnoff. 

So when I saw his name pop up on my phone, it just added to the aggravation of my day.  I cringed and quickly buried the phone deep inside of my purse. 


Ok, so then it was time to leave the office and I was so happy to be meeting my friend, Maggie, downtown for a play.  I wasn’t sure of the best way to get to the theater, so a work friend was trying to give me directions and I found that to be very irritating. 

Yes, I did.  Cause I didn’t feel like listening. 

I had already been through enough, listening to him tell me which exit to take out of our office complex and then where to turn was just more than I could take at that moment, so I just tuned out.  I nodded as he spoke, but I have no idea of what he was saying and I wasn't really trying to.  Bless his heart, I think he could tell cause he suddenly just stopped talking and said that he would lead me in the direction I needed to go.  I appreciated that, things were looking up. 

So now I am in my car, also known as my sanctuary.  I’m on the road, beginning to unwind and enjoy my peace.

Then the phone rang. 

I won’t say now who it was, but suffice it to say that I really didn’t feel like talking with anyone at that time.  But I did, cause that’s what good church girls do:  We often do things we don’t want to do if we think it is “right” or if we think it will prevent us from hurting someone's feelings.  (That’s something we need to work on…) 


Anyway, during this conversation I realized that I had missed my turn and was now lost.  I quickly ended my call so that I could try to figure out where in the heck I was.

And that’s when it happened.

That’s when I screamed.   

I completely lost it.  I screamed really loudly and my throat is still a little hoarse.  I screamed at God.  

I asked Him why He kept letting bad things happen to me, why He wasn’t hearing me, why He remained so silent during this difficult time in my life, why He was refusing to give me a break, and, at that moment, why He allowed me to miss my turn??  "Come on, God" I said, "now I'm going to be late for the play?  Really?"

And so I screamed.  I needed God to know that I was confused, bewildered, and just plain tired.  I needed Him to hear me, I needed Him to help me.

I think He heard me because, once I calmed down, I recognized where I was and I realized that there was another exit I could take up ahead, so all was not loss.  And the rest of my trip downtown was a lot smoother.  I found a good parking space, I got to the theater before the show had started, I was feeling better about myself, my situations, and, quite frankly, I was feeling better about God.

Now, my friend, I’m going to be honest with you:  I’d like to be able to wrap this story up with a “happily ever after” ending, but I’m not there yet.

This story is still unfolding.

I’m still tired of what I’m going through.  I’m still frustrated.  I’m still confused.

And, in spite of my love for God and the trust that I have in Him, I still have some scream in me.  And chances are that within the next week or so I will scream again. 

Sometimes, you just need to scream.  Well, maybe I should speak for myself:  Sometimes I need to scream.

Am I the only one?  Or have you ever felt the need to scream to release your frustrations and to try to get God's attention?


Note:  Please join us on Facebook at LivingInTheKeyOfJoy and follow me on Twitter at Key of Joy.

18 Comments
Vanessa link
3/5/2015 10:22:19 am

Gail, old friend, you are not alone in your feelings or thoughts. We all have a little scream residue in us, we just demonstrate it in different ways. Ours perhaps has always been tempered by our upbringing--"Be a lady"..."Don't make a scene"...Fortunately, your way means facing tomorrow, holding on to your faith and knowing that God is still there...You did exactly what God instructed you to do---"in everything, with prayer AND supplication, with thanksgiving, make your request known to God"...You didn't pretty it up, you screamed; He's probably been waiting for you to do just that...lol...I'm sure he understood and considered it a most honest, sincere, and respectful approach...: )

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Gail
3/6/2015 01:13:20 am

I sure hope He did! Things have looked up since then. Thanks so much for your response, old friend. I sure do appreciate you!

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jessica link
3/6/2015 12:39:46 am

glad i responded to the short version first. OF, we are on the same page. my children and i were so poor and needy we needed to vent. most times we were in the car coming or going to activities. there were no words or questions, just screaming. then laughing. singing. it helped them grow past some of the scars of father abandonment.

the same exhilaration from a roller coaster ride (or great sex) that makes the head light happens when we scream. i felt, 'i can see clearly now the rain is gone...' there is a purpose for all we go thru. God Will Reveal it. screaming at Him for me is like striking the rock expecting water so i learned to leave words out completely or say, "Lord, Help me", or "YES!", or "THANKS". then sing "My soul looks back and wonders, how i got over."

people think i keep talking about God because i'm religious. well, sometimes it's to keep me from telling how i really f----g feel. lol

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Gail
3/6/2015 01:16:34 am

I hear ya, OF, and I know exactly what you're talking about! LOL! If folks only knew... And I agree, sometimes no words can convey what we're really feeling. You keep praying for and I'll keep praying for you, OK? We're gonna be fine.

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Lavonne link
7/22/2015 10:33:04 pm

Glad to find friends that can relate to Father abandonment for our hurt children.

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Yvonne
7/23/2015 05:27:46 am

Yes, Jessica I find myself doing that too. Another friend said when she has those moments where the hidden sailor wants to come out and spew a birage of "colorful" language she is able to speak her "peace" be still. .words! I struggle with this!

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Omega Brooks link
3/6/2015 03:11:20 am

I love this post, I can totally relate. I think we all have a scream just waiting to be released, I know I do. Hang in there Gail!

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Gail
3/6/2015 10:14:51 am

Welcome to my blog, Omega! I appreciate you taking the time to read this post and am happy to know that I'm not the only one who's still got some scream in them. :-)

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LauraGirl
3/6/2015 03:49:04 am

I'm ALL about screaming in the car, or doing whatever it takes to express pent-up emotion and confusion. Sometimes I'm not in the car to scream in peace and privacy - so it might look different. If I'm home I might turn up the music and dance really hard a few minutes, or put on my gloves and hit the heavy bag (it's there for a reason). Sometimes if I'm at work I just write or type everything out, pour it all out for ten minutes, just to get to the other side of whatever it is. I can always delete it or rip it up. I say scream in the car. We 'good girls' have been taught the 'nice' way to be, and the older I get the more those 'nice ways' feel like shackles that just allow other people to feel more comfortable. Scream and yell and write and dance and cry and run and do whatever it takes to unpack all the nice that's panked down on top of the 'real' you, like three feet of snow the plow just pushed in front of you. That way you can get to what's really beating in your heart, so your real instincts can have room to breathe. That's what I believe. Took me 40 years to get there, but I'm happy to scream with you.

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Gail
3/6/2015 10:17:24 am

Wow, I love what you wrote, LauraGirl! Very powerful and it all rings very true to me. I had a dancing marathon the other night -- which for me wasn't very long -- but it feels good, doesn't it? Thank you for being my friend.

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Yvonne
7/23/2015 05:36:36 am

Yep, I relate to the music and dancing hard too! Hmm, reflecting, I bet that some of the "hard" dancing that women do when angry would have been one heck of a choreographer's dream. Imagine dancing with all that pent up emotion being released in kicks, turns,
flips, and ...in my minds eye I can see this....😊

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Mahma
3/8/2015 10:57:54 am

This is the Gail I've known was in there all these years. Your journey is remarkable and im excited to see where God is taking u. It may siunds crazy but im so glad my sister friend is letting her hair down and screaming! !!!

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Gail
3/9/2015 09:49:29 pm

Appreciate your comment, Mahma! Thanks.

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Katrina
3/8/2015 12:42:13 pm

Just one scream! Girl I scream in the car, in the bathroom (yes, I have been known to scream in a public rest room-I am alone and not as loud as in private) and the laundry room. I really like to scream in there just when the washing machine hits the spin cycle. It's part of a release and believe it or not a praise. So scream on, God is still working it out.

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Gail
3/9/2015 09:50:21 pm

Screaming while the washing machine is on the spin cycle?? Go Katrina, I like that I do believe I'll be trying that one soon! Thanks so much for your comment.

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Yvonne Allsopp
3/15/2015 12:52:47 pm

Well well well...God did it again! I just love Him so much. Girl, can I scream! But I sound like a frog, so I hoarse ly yell, cry, and wonder. Then I fall, I mean either God makes me get still so He can mimister to "little girl Yvonne", who often takes her eyes from her source, from her Father God in heaven; gets unraveled, then has to scream.
Ok, so the latest scream was (I am gonna cheat and try to write two)..
So
You might know the mess I am dealing with. My only sister dies on Jan 23, was left in a morgue for almost two weeks. She and I didn't speak for years. (That's another topic ). Any way, so she finally is cremated and now I have the task of taking care of her affairs.
She also owned a co op and had the power of attorney over our 101 year old aunt.
Our GI'd has a sense of humor because the two things I detest most, riding the subway and going to Brooklyn, I must do, b almost daily! Scream 1
Scream 2-- so I have to go through all of my sisters things and it is gruellibg, as she didn't get rid of any documnts, bills, etc. Sinc 1986 - 2008. THEN THINGS ARE SCANNED!
So as I am dealing with the dusty dry paper, and she didn't have a shredder, I found a box filled with my aunts personal nap papers. I found her will, pictures, letters, and a wallet. This part, my dear Gail, became my newest testimony. In the wallet were pictures. Guess what, there were pictures of my sister, from the time she was a little girl until she graduated From graduate school. No, not one picture of me or my mother. She h and yes, my sister is really my sister, but my mother and aunt never got along either. My dad allowed my aunt to treat my mom like crap and I looked like my mom.
So the first time I saw the wallet, I was numb. There was no screaming or even a tear. But the next day it ripped ne apart. I always knew that my aunt and sister didn't like me. Even more hurtful, was the treatment I received after my mother died. It was as of my father and my aunt and ny sister wanted it hug to do with me.
So scream? I am the rock that the builders rejected. I am the dumb one, the sinner with a daughter and no husband. I a the one who would never amount to anything, yet I am taking care of my sisters affairs and my aunts affairs. Scream...
The other night, I tried to go home, after having seen my aunt in a nursing home. But instead of going home, I went to my sisters apartment to clear one of her book cases. I COULD NOT GET A CAB TO GO HOME OR EVEN TO A TRAIN STATION. SO I NEVER SLEPT.
I SAT ON A HARD CHAIR TEARING PAPERS AND SORTING CLOTHING. SCREAM!!!
AT 5:00am:the next morning, I finally got a cab. But when I got in and gave him my address, The driver didn't know how to get to my home so he told me he would take me half way, Grand Central Station. I just wanted to get out of Brooklyn so I said ok.
Scream!! When I got out of the cab in front of Grand Central Station at 6:3o am, I FELL...yes, I had my cane and three tote bags...between the stress from not sleeping and all the thoughts about myspending a night and not being able to go home, etc.
I fell and didn't hurt myself, thank God.But I couldn't scream then either .
Fast forward, I screamed today at church!
During praise and worship, I got to pour out all the hurt and paun. I screamed Halelujah to God for giving me the grace to deal with all. . I screamed YES Jesus because He is with me..The Holy Spirit is comforting me and guiding me.
So yes Gail, I can relate to the Scream!!

Reply
Gail
3/16/2015 12:04:01 pm

Wow, Yvonne, thank you so much for sharing your story. It sounds as if you sure do have reasons to scream and I pray that you get the release you need to keep moving forward. Your load is heavy, but we know that God sees your struggles and will help you in ways that will amaze you. Keep the faith, my sister, I'm praying for you.

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Vanessa link
12/29/2017 03:24:33 am

Thanks Gail. This was right on time---again. lol

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    I'm a grown up "church girl" who is bouncing back from some hard blows, including an ugly divorce, financial hardship, and dreams deferred.  Now, more than ever before, I am embracing the idea of transformation and beautiful new beginnings. 

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