My emotions were all over the place.
I started the day having an morning meeting that put me on cloud nine! I was so happy, so excited, so thrilled with this glimpse at a future I was hoping to soon embrace. By noon, that image was crushed with some information that was absolutely heartbreaking to me and which threatened my ability to make my early morning dream come true.
Then I got news at work of a “rule” that made no sense to me and made me question why I even worked for a company that would adhere to such madness.
I quickly remembered why -- because I like to eat and live inside. So I tried to get over it.
While trying to get through a busy afternoon at the office, I was constantly bombarded with questions from all directions, most of which were – between me and you -- stupid. Not just regular stupid, really stupid. At one point, I just put my head down on my desk and waited for someone to bring me milk and cookies and tell me that everything was going to be ok. I waited for about 28 seconds and when that didn't happen, I raised my head back up and resumed my position. I need my job, as I've grown accustomed to shelter.
Then my cell phone buzzed indicating that I’d received a text from a relatively nice man that I never should have responded to when he reached out to me on the online dating site I wrote about earlier. He seemed nice and, thinking I might be ready to have a man in my life, I responded to him. We spoke twice and he must have snorted about 349 times. Yes, snorted as in snot. And spit.
This is just between me and you, right? I'd like to let you in on a little secret...
I hate spit.
Its gross. Spit frightens me, it’s been that way with me for years. So when this man snorted throughout our entire conversation, all I could think of was spit, and I knew then that there simply could be no future to our relationship.
But, what I found almost equally unacceptable was that he cursed.
Now I have been known to cuss like a sailor myself (yes, me the church girl), but not during an initial conversation with a person, ya know? Especially someone I’m trying to impress! This man said a few choice words during our very first conversation and that was, for me, a complete turnoff.
So when I saw his name pop up on my phone, it just added to the aggravation of my day. I cringed and quickly buried the phone deep inside of my purse.
Ok, so then it was time to leave the office and I was so happy to be meeting my friend, Maggie, downtown for a play. I wasn’t sure of the best way to get to the theater, so a work friend was trying to give me directions and I found that to be very irritating.
Yes, I did. Cause I didn’t feel like listening.
I had already been through enough, listening to him tell me which exit to take out of our office complex and then where to turn was just more than I could take at that moment, so I just tuned out. I nodded as he spoke, but I have no idea of what he was saying and I wasn't really trying to. Bless his heart, I think he could tell cause he suddenly just stopped talking and said that he would lead me in the direction I needed to go. I appreciated that, things were looking up.
So now I am in my car, also known as my sanctuary. I’m on the road, beginning to unwind and enjoy my peace.
Then the phone rang.
I won’t say now who it was, but suffice it to say that I really didn’t feel like talking with anyone at that time. But I did, cause that’s what good church girls do: We often do things we don’t want to do if we think it is “right” or if we think it will prevent us from hurting someone's feelings. (That’s something we need to work on…)
Anyway, during this conversation I realized that I had missed my turn and was now lost. I quickly ended my call so that I could try to figure out where in the heck I was.
And that’s when it happened.
That’s when I screamed.
I completely lost it. I screamed really loudly and my throat is still a little hoarse. I screamed at God.
I asked Him why He kept letting bad things happen to me, why He wasn’t hearing me, why He remained so silent during this difficult time in my life, why He was refusing to give me a break, and, at that moment, why He allowed me to miss my turn?? "Come on, God" I said, "now I'm going to be late for the play? Really?"
And so I screamed. I needed God to know that I was confused, bewildered, and just plain tired. I needed Him to hear me, I needed Him to help me.
I think He heard me because, once I calmed down, I recognized where I was and I realized that there was another exit I could take up ahead, so all was not loss. And the rest of my trip downtown was a lot smoother. I found a good parking space, I got to the theater before the show had started, I was feeling better about myself, my situations, and, quite frankly, I was feeling better about God.
Now, my friend, I’m going to be honest with you: I’d like to be able to wrap this story up with a “happily ever after” ending, but I’m not there yet.
This story is still unfolding.
I’m still tired of what I’m going through. I’m still frustrated. I’m still confused.
And, in spite of my love for God and the trust that I have in Him, I still have some scream in me. And chances are that within the next week or so I will scream again.
Sometimes, you just need to scream. Well, maybe I should speak for myself: Sometimes I need to scream.
Am I the only one? Or have you ever felt the need to scream to release your frustrations and to try to get God's attention?
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