Diary of a Grown-Up Church Girl
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Stacy showed me that life moves on

9/29/2015

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I live in very close proximity of many of my former in-laws.  And, from time to time, I've wondered why I never run into them anywhere.  I haven't been anxious to see them, but it just seemed as if by now I would have had that awkward encounter at a grocery store, or Target, or a gas station, you know?

Well, it happened this past weekend.

I saw Stacy at a Friday night event at a friend's church.  Stacy had been married and divorced from my former brother-in-law before I ever met my ex-husband or his family.  But, perhaps because they had a child together, she often showed up at family gatherings, so I knew her fairly well.  She's a very outgoing, gregarious woman, she's one of those that are
hard not to know.  

As a side note, I often wondered why she attended these family events.  Sometimes she'd appear with a date, other times she'd come alone.  The family liked her well enough, but her ex-husband (my former brother-in-law) had obviously moved on and was in a serious relationship with someone else (who also attended the family gatherings), so I never quite understood why Stacy would come.  I also remember thinking to myself that if I ever divorced by ex I'd never show up at his family's gatherings.  I've kept my word.  Anyway...

I saw Stacy this weekend.  Now, as I mentioned, she's very outgoing, so I figured that at some point she'd see me and she'd come to speak.

But she didn't.  

She looked in my direction several times, but never did she speak to me.

I immediately "got into my feelings" as the young people say, and thought that she must have heard bad things about me and didn't like me anymore.  Yes, I'm an adult, but please don't judge me for my junior high school fears.  I don't care how old you get, if you're honest, to some degree we do care what others think of us.

I spent WAY too much time that evening wondering if she was ever going to speak, wondering if I should go speak to her, wondering what she might do or say, and then wondering how I would respond to it.  I also spent a fair amount of time watching her, trying to see if she was watching me, but not wanting her to see me watching her.  It was crazy!

At the end of the evening, I decided to put on my big girl panties and speak to the woman.  "What the heck?" I thought, "she will either be nice or she won't.  Either way, I'll live."

(In retrospect, I really don't know why I couldn't have just left without saying anything to her, we weren't especially close.  But, for whatever the reason, I felt compelled to say something to her.  So I did.)

Her reaction was nothing like I expected.

For starters, she didn't know who I was.  Yep, Stacy didn't even recognize me!  Out of sight, out of mind I suppose, but I actually had to remind her who I was.

How funny is that?  I had spent more minutes than I care to count thinking about her and Stacy had no idea that I was in the room! How humbling aka embarrassing!  LOL!!

What, the world doesn't revolve around me and my divorce?  Who knew?  :-)

Once she figured how who the heck I was, she greeted me with a big smile and a warm hug and she rushed me over to speak with her mother.  On the way over she whispered, "You're not married to 'him' anymore, right? and I told her that was correct.  The only reason she asked the question was so that she'd know how to introduce me to her mom.

Then I introduced Stacy to the friend I was with and Stacy quickly told my friend that she'd always love me because of something I did for her family years ago.  And my current relationship with my ex or with his family had done nothing to dim the gratitude she felt.

She also made a great connection with my friend, which is wonderful because they're both new members at this church.   Now that I think about it, maybe that's the reason I felt so compelled to say something to Stacy. 

I also think I needed to speak to her to be reminded of the fact that that my divorce is not the topic of every conversation (smile!), that at least one member of that tribe will remember me for me, and that life moves on.

Thanks, Stacy.



Join me on Facebook at Living In The Key Of Joy and on Twitter at In The Key of Joy.

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That moment you realize that shit stinks

9/25/2015

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A friend of mine reached out to me recently about feelings of frustration with people and situations in her life.  We’ve all been there, I certainly could relate.  So as I shared with her, I examined myself and I thought of others who have been in this situation and I thought I’d share my thoughts here…

 Dear SisterFriend,

You are certainly not alone.  Another friend told me earlier this week that several of her relationships were struggling.  (Is there something in the air??)  And as I considered what she was sharing with me, it sounded as if folks had taken advantage of her kindness for a while and she was now speaking up for herself and they were getting upset about it.  At least that was the deal with the one situation that seemed to be upsetting her the most. 

I told her that, in essence, perhaps she was just realizing that shit really does stink.  What does this mean? 

Well, she’d told me also that she had just recently started to love herself more than ever.  So I put two and two together... 

It seems to me that as she's begun to value herself more and more, the things that used to be OK to her were no longer OK. So nothing had changed except for her sense of who she was and what she needed to put up with.  The shit was always the shit and was still the same shit, but now she was feeling strong and wise and valuable enough to realize that shit stinks.

Perhaps that’s a bit of what you’re dealing with, my beloved. 

You’ve always been the one to take care of others, but now you realize that you’re beautiful and wonderful and kind and loved by many and you’re just not sure you want to deal with the things you’ve dealt with in the past.


Now you're in the situation you're in. The situation hasn’t changed, but you have.  As they say (I have no idea who “they” is) you must either change the situation or change how you live within the situation.  Most times it’s easier to change ourselves. 

For example…
When I was living with the idiot (aka my ex-husband), I used to straighten our home ALL the time because he was a bit of a hoarder and was very, very messy.  Not dirty, just messy.  I resented it, but I resented it a little less once I realized that I was doing it for me, and not for him.  Cause he didn’t care if he lived in mess, I did.  So maybe it will help if you think of the things you’re doing as things you’re doing to make YOU happy, not necessarily the other folks in your household. 

Secondly, just stop doing so much, chill out on the things you're doing to make everyone else comfortable and happy.  Just Stop.  You may find that they appreciate a happy person in the house more than they appreciate the moody person you say you've become.  After all, on most days a smiling face beats a clean house and a good meal.  You know what I mean?  Pull back, I bet they won’t mind, in fact they may not even notice.   

Third, pray for the resentment you feel to go away.  It will eat at you and make your hair and teeth fall out.  You’ll start to drag your knuckles on the ground when you walk and you’ll begin to slobber.   Ask God to remove the aggravation before you start to look funny, please!  I love you, but if you’re bald and toothless with spit coming out of your mouth and you're bent over like someone who has not fully evolved, it will be difficult for me to hang out with you.  I’m just saying.  Prayer is the main reason I’m still standing erect. 

And don't worry if you don't regularly communicate with God.  It really doesn't matter, its never too late to establish a relationship with Him.  God is like Motel 6, He keeps the light on for you.  He even leaves out a welcome mat and stands at the door with outstretched arms encouraging you to come inside and talk with Him.


Do what you must, but let it go, my sister.  Life is short and stress kills.


Love you lots,
Gail



Join me on Facebook at Living In The Key Of Joy and on Twitter at In The Key of Joy.


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My time and my money

9/25/2015

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I hope this doesn’t sound too cruel, but some people really are a waste of time.

This first hit me when I was laid off a few years ago and money was tight.  I had to be super selective about who I went out with when I knew that money would be involved.   

So I created a 2-question test for myself and it went like this:  “Self, will this person either help you find work or be a lot of fun? If one or the other was true, I’d go.  If not, I’d tell myself, “Stay home.”  

I used this quite a bit and most times it led to the right decisions.  

Well, now I’m gainfully employed again (thank God), but I still use this test.  Because just as valuable as my money is to me, so is my time.  And I don’t have much of it to waste.



Join me on Facebook at Living In The Key Of Joy and on Twitter at In The Key of Joy.


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Sasha says...

9/9/2015

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I got a new kitten about a month ago, Sasha Malia, and she's a delightful little addition to my life. She's sweet and she's funny and she's absolutely fearless.

Just this morning I watched her try to leap onto a table that was much too high for her to reach, but she tried it anyway.

And she fell.

But she didn't seem discouraged, she just shook herself off and tried again.

And she fell... again... and again.  After a few more tries she moved on to something else. 

What really impressed me about this is that she tried, knowing that she might fail, but also believing that no matter what happened, she would be ok.

Call it ignorance if you'd like, but I'd love to live my life that way, too!

I think I do, to a certain extent, but I want more of the fearlessness wrapped up in that ball of energy I've named Sasha.

I want to bold enough to try a variety of new things and smart enough to know that no matter what happens, I'll be ok.

That's one of the many benefit of being God's child, if you ask me.  We have that blessed assurance of knowing that come what may, we're going to be ok.

Given this, why aren't we taking more chances?  Why aren't we taking more risks? 

I must think about this for myself:  What more would I be doing if I was less afraid to fail? 

What would you do if you weren't afraid to fail?

Join me on Facebook at Living In The Key Of Joy and on Twitter at In The Key of Joy.



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Suicide Prevention Week

9/9/2015

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I've never contemplated suicide but I know people who have.  And it might surprise you to know who they are.

They aren't the people walking around with their heads hung low... or the woman who is constantly crying... or the guy who appears to be down on his luck.

No, the people I know are "functioning" adults who are contributing to society but who at one point no longer saw the point in a lot of things.  They were tired of the struggle and they thought that things would be better someplace else.  Anyplace else.

In honor of them and in recognition of Suicide Prevention Week, I've challenged myself this week to smile at strangers and to give at least three compliments a day.  I started on yesterday and it was a little harder than I thought it would be.  The smiling part came rather naturally, but I had to make an effort to remember to compliment people.

How sad. I wish that part had come naturally, too.

I love compliments, most people do, so in my own personal quest to spread JOY, I have to remember to spread compliments freely -- even if I have to make them up.  I mean, honestly, what's the harm in telling someone their blouse is pretty when I really don't think that it is?  If it makes her smile, my work is done.

Next week I'm going to try compliment people that I don't especially like to be around.  Pray for me.  They may be the ones who need it most.

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    I'm a grown up "church girl" who is bouncing back from some hard blows, including an ugly divorce, financial hardship, and dreams deferred.  Now, more than ever before, I am embracing the idea of transformation and beautiful new beginnings. 

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