Diary of a Grown-Up Church Girl

I never didn't know

6/2/2020

Reading and hearing what white people are saying about racism right now is rather interesting to me. I know they mean well, I know that their hearts are in the right place, yet I find some of their responses to the killing of George Floyd and to the riots in the aftermath… well, I find them interesting.

It’s as if they just woke up and realized what I never had the luxury of not knowing. I never didn’t know that America wasn’t a fan of mine or of people who look like me.

I never didn’t know that there were people who would take one look at me and decide who I was simply based upon the color of my skin.

I never didn’t know that my master’s degree would put me on par with white colleagues with a BA.

I never didn’t know that my ability to do a good job, to write a good report, to maneuver through a difficult project would be questioned because I’m a Black woman in a white world.

I never didn’t know.

I never didn’t know that I could be followed or asked to show ID in a store because of what my skin color represents to some store managers.

I never didn’t know that my hairstyles would be questioned and judged.

I never didn’t know that I wouldn’t be welcomed in some neighborhoods.

I never didn't know that I might not always get the best seat or get the best service in restaurants I spent my money in.

I just never didn’t know.

So for white people to now tell me how sorry they feel for me, well, I’m not sure how to take that. Because my life has been fine. I've managed.

Please don't feel sorry for me. Save your sorry for the families that have lost loved ones while I've just simply been slighted, ignored, overlooked, and insulted.

Save it for the people of my mother's generation who thought that their marching and sitting was so that their children and grandchildren wouldn't have to witness the atrocities we're seeing today.

Save your sorry for the young Black adults who don't yet understand that no matter how much Starbucks coffee they drink, they are still Black folks in a white world and pray that when their eyes open to this fact, it won't be too painful.

Save it for them, cause I'm good.

Sure, there certainly is a lot of room for improvement and there are things I've seen and endured that I hope the next generation won't have to experience. But understand me when I say that this is all I've ever known and I'm OK.

You see, I never knew how not to be comfortable in my skin... never knew how not to turn the other way when an insult was hurled my way... never knew how not to just deal with it. I know I have my parents and my upbringing to thank for that. And I'm grateful.

So, white people, please understand me. I'm not suggesting that your comments right now are anything but sincere. I know they are and I appreciate them. But it just feels a little odd. You're just acknowledging what I've lived with my entire life. How could our realities be so very, very different?

Thank you for finally getting it. But for me? Its been my life.

I never didn't know.

4 Comments

Don't Forget to Water Yourself!

5/23/2020

8 Comments

I have a large, beautiful plant in my house. It would be perfect for someone, but it is not perfect for me. It's just too big.

I've moved it from room to room, from corner to corner, but it just doesn't quite fit anywhere.

I can't throw it out, can't purposely kill it, that just wouldn't feel right. So, about a year ago, I started to ignore it. I wouldn't water it, wouldn't give it the sunlight it needed, I just pretended that it didn't exist.

My hope was that it would die a quick, painless death and I could get rid of it with a clear conscious.

But that didn't happen. That doggone plant thrived!

I looked at it a few days ago and the thing is the most beautiful shade of green that I've ever seen!

It has new growth... it's soil is moist... I have no idea how this happened. It's almost as if my plant is a grown-up church girl disguised as a house plant, and she pulled and paraphrased the Scripture from Job and said to herself "Yeah thou she try to slay me, I will put my trust in God." I'm serious, this is so strange. I have no idea how that plant has survived.

But, you know me, I like to find the meaning in everything, no matter how seemingly mundane, and I think about how this plant represents us at one point or another in our lives.

Come with me into the time machine...

Let's go back to a time when a person... a place... or a thing made you feel devalued. Like you didn't matter. Like life would be better if you weren't around.

Remember how that felt? Rejected? With self-esteem lower than low? Worthless? Cheap?

What did you do?

Maybe you ran and hid, hoping that when you reappeared, feelings would have changed.

Maybe you went through the motions of trying to change yourself, trying to make yourself "more worthy" of the attention you craved.

Maybe you cried or became angry.

At one point or another, we've all probably done several of these things, but now I consider what my plant did when I decided that there was no room for it in my world.

The plant thrived, in spite of it all.

It somehow watered itself... it basked in the glow of it's own sunlight... it fed it's own soul.

That's what we have to do, too.

We have to find ways to keep ourselves encouraged, even when that seems contrary to the voices we're hearing around us.

This is more important now than ever, now that many of us are confined to our homes and unable to do the things that used to bring us joy. The shopping trips are far less frequent, the brunch dates with family friends are nonexistent, those entertaining evenings at concerts and plays are not happening right now.

So what tools are you using now to keep yourself encouraged?

I write. I listen to music. Or talk with family and friends. I find things to laugh about. And I pray.

Be sure you have your arsenal of tools you can use to nourish the soil of your soul.  We can't afford to dry up during this season, there is far too much for us to do. The world needs us now.

So, in the midst of this global pandemic, crazy news stories, and crazier politics... don't forget to Water Yourself.

8 Comments

"Can you hear me now?"

3/18/2020

2 Comments

The subject of my pastor's sermon on Sunday was, "Can you hear me now?" and he spoke of this coronavirus being God's way of getting our attention. As I thought about what exactly God wants from us during this time, it occurs to me that while He may have some universal things He's expecting from His people, God may also be expecting different things from each of us, based upon who we are.

For example, for some He may be asking us to slow down. For others He may want us to spend more time in His Word, to reconnect with family and friends, to start a business, to consider a new job, to be more creative, or to simply be still. Whatever the case may be, God is definitely speaking and I don't think He expects us to come out of this time the same way we entered it.

"Can you hear me now?" Yes, God. We're listening.

2 Comments

February 26th, 2020

2/26/2020

1 Comment

Code Blue

Well, if I thought January was a stressful month, along came February…

During this month, someone VERY near and dear to me was in the hospital and got coded. You know what that means… it means that the person was experiencing a life-threatening emergency. My person got coded.

I saw it. “Code blue Room 332” and my heart sank. I will never forget the horror of that moment.

I prayed harder than I’ve ever prayed before and I asked others to pray. I believed that if we bombarded heaven, what some saw as inevitable didn’t have to happen.

And it didn’t happen.

As it turned out, my person got coded, but he never actually coded. The hospital thought my person would code so they called in all of the forces, just in case. I am grateful for how quickly the staff moved, but the fact is this:

Man thought it was over. God said, not so.

What a God we serve!

And, while this was certainly an extreme case, there are times in life when people call a code on our lives, thinking that a difficult situation is going to be the means to our end -- literally or figuratively.

We lose a job – code blue.

A loved one dies – code blue.

We get a divorce – code blue.

A friendship ends – code blue.

We lose our home – code blue.

Our business fails – code blue.

We’re lonely – code blue.

We've been terribly misunderstood – code blue.

An apology isn't accepted – code blue.

Our money is gone – code blue.

But the good news is that we serve a God who cares absolutely nothing about man’s code blue. I’m a witness to that.

Some people may have coded me when my marriage ended. They may have thought I'd sink into a deep depression, wonder where I was going to live, think I'd crumble due to the disappointment or embarrassment of it all. Maybe they thought I’d crumble after one court appearance led to the next court appearance which lead to one challenge after another. But, thankfully, I never coded myself and God certainly never coded me. Now I can honestly tell you that my current days are so much brighter and full of so much more SPARKLE than my yesterdays. So back up off of me, code patrol, I’m doing just fine.

I’m writing this to encourage anyone who may be feeling like giving up today. Don’t do it.

Remember what the Word tells us in I Corinthians 2:9, But as it is written: “Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, Nor have entered into the heart of man The things which God has prepared for those who love him.

So please stay the course. Keep it moving. Pray. Seek the help you need. Work hard. Then pray some more.

And by all means… Don’t give up, don’t give in. Don’t let anyone code you and, most importantly, don’t code yourself.

1 Comment

And that was only January!

2/3/2020

2 Comments

Every year people claim that that's going to be "their year." The year they lose weight, find love, start to exercise, change the world, you know how it goes. But, honestly, I really think that some special things are going to happen this year.

I just feel it in the air. I feel like shocking and wonderful things are going to happen this year, and it begins with me.

In January, I flew to LA for the day so that I could be there when my nephew sang the National Anthem at the Lakers game.

In January, I turned 60 years old and had the most wonderful and thoughtful celebrations ever.

In January, I came to terms with relationships I'd been wondering about.

In January, I had a prophetess confirm some interesting things about me, my calling, and my life.

There were some wonderful moments in January. But then...

In January, a dear friend of mine passed away. I'd spoken with her a few weeks priors to her passing and I knew that her health had taken a turn for the worse, I just didn't know the severity of it all. I got a call on a Tuesday morning that she was in ICU and I left work early to go visit with her. I had no idea that just a few hours later she'd be gone.

In January, I asked God why He chose to take my friend. I didn't think she was ready to go. I still don't. The last time I spoke with her she was making travel plans, hoping to be able to make it to my birthday celebration, planning to go back to work. But God had other plans and I was devastated and disappointed. Yet I know of His omnipotence and I know that I have to trust in His plan.

If January is any indication of what this year is going to be like, I'm in for a ride. Maybe you are, too.

2 Comments

"Trees Don't Trip!"

9/23/2019

3 Comments

This weekend I attended a wonderful women's event in Dover, Delaware. Titled, the Discovering My Wings conference, it was a refreshing time of learning and fellowship and oh, some really delicious food, too. I commend the sponsor, Andrea T. Martin, she really created an atmosphere that was second to none.

While there were so many memorable moments, there was one presentation that touched me like none other. It was presented by Pastor Shannon McRae and if you ever in life get a chance to hear her speak, I encourage you to run to get your seat. Do not walk, do not pass go, do not collect $200, run to get your seat. Pastor Shannon was impactful and motivational and she caused us all to stop our "regularly scheduled programming" to make time and room for the presence of God. He was in our midst, I have no doubt of that.

One thing she talked about was that there is a season for everything. And if things aren't happening for you the way you expect or think that they should be, it may not be your season yet. We have to be patient and wait for our season. And...

When your season comes, she explained, you may have to let some things go. I've previously written about this, for I know it to be true, but Pastor Shannon compared this fact to the life of trees and what she said will stick with me for a very long time.

She told us that "trees don't trip!"

She explained that when a tree loses it's leaves, it doesn't cry or run to gather the leaves and try to put them back on its limbs. The tree does not trip! Instead, it lets the leaves go, fully understanding that those leaves have no place in the tree's new season. She then reminded us that when leaves fall, we put them in a bag and set them on the curb to be picked up, because there is no longer any need for them.

There is no way I could retell the story as powerfully as she shared it, but I hope you get the picture.

Trees don't trip, y'all. When the season changes, so does the tree. It's still a tree, but it only takes what will be necessary in it's new season.

Why do we pray for change, but take our old stuff with us?

I'm reminded of people who say they want to move to a new city to start a new life, but they take their same negative attitudes with them.

And of people who say that they want a new relationship, but keep holding onto an old dysfunctional one. (I stand accused.)

Or of people who claim to want a healthier lifestyle, but sabotage their success by continuing to buy the foods that got them into their current state of obesity and sickness.

Or... Ok, I think you get the picture. And I'm talking to myself as much as I'm talking to you, dear reader.

If we trust God like we say we do, and if we truly believe that we deserve His absolute best, we have to pray for the discernment to recognize our new season. And we have to be ready to open our hands to let some things go so that God can bless us with something new.

I don't know about you, but I am anxiously awaiting my new season! When it comes, I pray that I don't trip!

What about you? Are you ready for a new season?

3 Comments

The fly, The grape, and the glass

7/15/2019

5 Comments

The other day I was sitting in my friend’s backyard eating breakfast. We were in our pajamas, the hair on both of our heads was a mess, it was the most perfect time ever! Until...

While eating and chatting, a fly joined us and he was not invited! But there was a grape on the table that he wanted to enjoy so he landed upon it and wouldn’t go away! No matter how many times we tried to swat him away, he kept coming back, he meant to make the grape his own.

Out of frustration, my friend put a glass over both the fly and the grape. We thought that the fly would soon realize that his air supply was being compromised and would fly away once the glass was lifted, but that didn’t happen. Instead, when the glass was lifted and the fly had a chance to escape, it just continued working on that grape, completely unaware that he was slowly dying.

Isn’t that like us from time to time?

We get fixated on an idea, a plan, or even a person that we don’t realize that the air is literally being sucked out of us in the process.

I’m at that point now. There are some things I’m concentrating on that really don’t deserve my efforts. So while I’m hanging on to that “grape” I’m not paying close enough attention to other things happening around me. Things are about to change.

Is it just me? Or do you sometimes feel the need to re-calibrate to be sure that right things are getting your attention?

5 Comments

The Patch of Green

4/13/2019

1 Comment

During my morning walk I saw this patch of green in the middle of the dirt. At first I walked past it, fully into my own thoughts, but then I doubled back to take the picture I'm including here. By the time I got home, that patch of green had written a letter to me and left it at my door. Here's what it said:

Dear Gail,

I saw you looking at me today in awe and disbelief, and I understand. You're surprised by the fact that in the midst of this dirt, I've managed to grow. So let me explain...

I used the dirt to my advantage. The more dirt that was thrust upon me, the stronger my roots became. I simply dug in deep and hung on tight because I understood that my purpose was to bloom.

Yes, God told me that I would bloom and that I would be a patch of green. And He said that no matter what my situation looked like at any given moment, I was destined to be what He created me to be.

It took a lot longer than I expected because folks couldn't see me under the dirt. So they stepped on. They spat of me. They sat on me. They had no idea that under that dirt I was waiting for the sun to shine just right, alerting me to the fact that my time had come. I just had to wait for the sun.

When I saw that morning sun the other day, I began to shake the dirt off. Some of the other plants got mad, they thought I was thinking too highly of myself, just showing off. "Who was I to grow?," they asked. "Who was I to defy the odds and bring life to an otherwise dank and dirty situation?"

To be honest, I sometimes asked myself those same questions. "Was the sun really calling for me? Did I have what it takes to be the shade of green God intended? Would I be appreciated and valued, or would I be laughed at and ignored?" These are all questions I asked myself, until...

Until I suddenly realized that I was giving way too much value to what others thought of me. Instead, my focus needed to be on what God thinks of me and what I think of myself.

So I decided to bloom. And if you come by here next week, I'm going to be bigger and maybe even greener, if that's possible. Because I have a purpose to fulfill and I don't have the guts to defy God. He is working with me and guess what? He's working with you, too, Gail.

So shake the dirt off, dig in deep, and get ready to be all you were created to be! The Son is calling for you.

Love,
The Patch of Green

1 Comment

Never be afraid to try

3/10/2019

1 Comment

When I was about eight years old, my father had a heart attack and had to stay in the hospital for what felt like forever. It may have only been a week or so, but it felt like a very long time. Because of my age, I couldn't visit him, but one day I remember...

I remember my mother giving me a letter that my father had written to me. I don't remember much about the letter, but I remember him ending with "Never be afraid to try."

I hold on to so many things, I'm sorry I lost that note written so many years ago, but grateful that I've never forgotten those words.

Or have I?

Recently I've been thinking a lot about my future. How I feel like I'm too smart to be working so hard for "the man" while getting so little in return. How I don't want to live the balance of my life alone, but would love to find a wonderful man and be married again. How I so wish I'd had children of my own. How I need to evaluable the relationships in my life. How I often do things that I don't really want to do. How I sometimes start things that I don't finish. How I don't work as hard as I should to make things happen in my life. How I don't always try.

And I wonder what my father would say about me.

Maybe he knew way back then that today would come and I'd need that nudge, that gentle reminder that fear is a dream killer and that I should never be afraid to try.

So, as this new week begins and I hear that gentle reminder in my ear and in my heart, I re-dedicate myself to trying with all I can to make my dreams come true. And those dreams that have passed me by, I'll replace with new ones.

What dream will you work toward this week?

1 Comment

Go Get Your Sparkle!

3/6/2019

1 Comment

I was recently asked why I concentrate so heavily on the concept of being a bright light and sparkling. I’ll share the long version a little later, but let me tell you the short version now…

I grew up happy, bright, and full of life. Then I got married, and slowly but surely, the light I was born with began to get dim… and dimmer… and dimmer, until it went completely out. It was a gradual descent, I didn’t even know it was happening. In fact, I didn’t realize that I’d allowed my light to go out until it began to come on again. Does that make sense?

Put another way, I got so used to compromising and giving in to the desires of my husband, that I lost parts of myself in the process. And soon I was in the dark.

But I can’t blame him! He didn’t blow my light out, he never had that much power. No, I blew my own light out by not saying things that should have been said and by ignoring things I shouldn’t have ignored – all for the sake for trying to keep the peace and keep my marriage intact.

Well, we see where that got me!

Oh, but once I left his house, once I exhaled, once I loosened my own chains, I could feel something happening on the inside. It was strangely familiar and soon I realized that it was my light coming back on. I was back to me again! Michelle Obama might say “I was becoming!” But for me, I was becoming again. And as Peaches and Herb might say, I was reuniting with myself and it “felt so good!”

From this point forward, I try my best to sparkle on a daily basis, and if my sparkle hurts anybody’s eyes, they are free to borrow my sparkle shades. I’m wearing them in this picture (yes, my hair looks like a chicken, but don’t judge me, I was doing the best I could that day. LOL!) I have time to make up for and for me not to sparkle at this point would be a crime. I was born to sparkle. And so were you.

Go get your sparkle!

1 Comment

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Hello and Welcome to my blog!

I'm a grown up "church girl" who is bouncing back from some hard blows, including an ugly divorce, financial hardship, and dreams deferred. Now, more than ever before, I am embracing the idea of transformation and beautiful new beginnings.

Won't you take this journey with me?

Code Blue

Archives of writings expressing my thoughts and observations

Hello and Welcome to my blog!

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