Diary of a Grown-Up Church Girl

"Can you hear me now?"

3/18/2020

The subject of my pastor's sermon on Sunday was, "Can you hear me now?" and he spoke of this coronavirus being God's way of getting our attention. As I thought about what exactly God wants from us during this time, it occurs to me that while He may have some universal things He's expecting from His people, God may also be expecting different things from each of us, based upon who we are.

For example, for some He may be asking us to slow down. For others He may want us to spend more time in His Word, to reconnect with family and friends, to start a business, to consider a new job, to be more creative, or to simply be still. Whatever the case may be, God is definitely speaking and I don't think He expects us to come out of this time the same way we entered it.

"Can you hear me now?" Yes, God. We're listening.

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February 26th, 2020

2/26/2020

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Code Blue

Well, if I thought January was a stressful month, along came February…

During this month, someone VERY near and dear to me was in the hospital and got coded. You know what that means… it means that the person was experiencing a life-threatening emergency. My person got coded.

I saw it. “Code blue Room 332” and my heart sank. I will never forget the horror of that moment.

I prayed harder than I’ve ever prayed before and I asked others to pray. I believed that if we bombarded heaven, what some saw as inevitable didn’t have to happen.

And it didn’t happen.

As it turned out, my person got coded, but he never actually coded. The hospital thought my person would code so they called in all of the forces, just in case. I am grateful for how quickly the staff moved, but the fact is this:

Man thought it was over. God said, not so.

What a God we serve!

And, while this was certainly an extreme case, there are times in life when people call a code on our lives, thinking that a difficult situation is going to be the means to our end -- literally or figuratively.

We lose a job – code blue.

A loved one dies – code blue.

We get a divorce – code blue.

A friendship ends – code blue.

We lose our home – code blue.

Our business fails – code blue.

We’re lonely – code blue.

We've been terribly misunderstood – code blue.

An apology isn't accepted – code blue.

Our money is gone – code blue.

But the good news is that we serve a God who cares absolutely nothing about man’s code blue. I’m a witness to that.

Some people may have coded me when my marriage ended. They may have thought I'd sink into a deep depression, wonder where I was going to live, think I'd crumble due to the disappointment or embarrassment of it all. Maybe they thought I’d crumble after one court appearance led to the next court appearance which lead to one challenge after another. But, thankfully, I never coded myself and God certainly never coded me. Now I can honestly tell you that my current days are so much brighter and full of so much more SPARKLE than my yesterdays. So back up off of me, code patrol, I’m doing just fine.

I’m writing this to encourage anyone who may be feeling like giving up today. Don’t do it.

Remember what the Word tells us in I Corinthians 2:9, But as it is written: “Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, Nor have entered into the heart of man The things which God has prepared for those who love him.

So please stay the course. Keep it moving. Pray. Seek the help you need. Work hard. Then pray some more.

And by all means… Don’t give up, don’t give in. Don’t let anyone code you and, most importantly, don’t code yourself.

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And that was only January!

2/3/2020

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Every year people claim that that's going to be "their year." The year they lose weight, find love, start to exercise, change the world, you know how it goes. But, honestly, I really think that some special things are going to happen this year.

I just feel it in the air. I feel like shocking and wonderful things are going to happen this year, and it begins with me.

In January, I flew to LA for the day so that I could be there when my nephew sang the National Anthem at the Lakers game.

In January, I turned 60 years old and had the most wonderful and thoughtful celebrations ever.

In January, I came to terms with relationships I'd been wondering about.

In January, I had a prophetess confirm some interesting things about me, my calling, and my life.

There were some wonderful moments in January. But then...

In January, a dear friend of mine passed away. I'd spoken with her a few weeks priors to her passing and I knew that her health had taken a turn for the worse, I just didn't know the severity of it all. I got a call on a Tuesday morning that she was in ICU and I left work early to go visit with her. I had no idea that just a few hours later she'd be gone.

In January, I asked God why He chose to take my friend. I didn't think she was ready to go. I still don't. The last time I spoke with her she was making travel plans, hoping to be able to make it to my birthday celebration, planning to go back to work. But God had other plans and I was devastated and disappointed. Yet I know of His omnipotence and I know that I have to trust in His plan.

If January is any indication of what this year is going to be like, I'm in for a ride. Maybe you are, too.

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"Trees Don't Trip!"

9/23/2019

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This weekend I attended a wonderful women's event in Dover, Delaware. Titled, the Discovering My Wings conference, it was a refreshing time of learning and fellowship and oh, some really delicious food, too. I commend the sponsor, Andrea T. Martin, she really created an atmosphere that was second to none.

While there were so many memorable moments, there was one presentation that touched me like none other. It was presented by Pastor Shannon McRae and if you ever in life get a chance to hear her speak, I encourage you to run to get your seat. Do not walk, do not pass go, do not collect $200, run to get your seat. Pastor Shannon was impactful and motivational and she caused us all to stop our "regularly scheduled programming" to make time and room for the presence of God. He was in our midst, I have no doubt of that.

One thing she talked about was that there is a season for everything. And if things aren't happening for you the way you expect or think that they should be, it may not be your season yet. We have to be patient and wait for our season. And...

When your season comes, she explained, you may have to let some things go. I've previously written about this, for I know it to be true, but Pastor Shannon compared this fact to the life of trees and what she said will stick with me for a very long time.

She told us that "trees don't trip!"

She explained that when a tree loses it's leaves, it doesn't cry or run to gather the leaves and try to put them back on its limbs. The tree does not trip! Instead, it lets the leaves go, fully understanding that those leaves have no place in the tree's new season. She then reminded us that when leaves fall, we put them in a bag and set them on the curb to be picked up, because there is no longer any need for them.

There is no way I could retell the story as powerfully as she shared it, but I hope you get the picture.

Trees don't trip, y'all. When the season changes, so does the tree. It's still a tree, but it only takes what will be necessary in it's new season.

Why do we pray for change, but take our old stuff with us?

I'm reminded of people who say they want to move to a new city to start a new life, but they take their same negative attitudes with them.

And of people who say that they want a new relationship, but keep holding onto an old dysfunctional one. (I stand accused.)

Or of people who claim to want a healthier lifestyle, but sabotage their success by continuing to buy the foods that got them into their current state of obesity and sickness.

Or... Ok, I think you get the picture. And I'm talking to myself as much as I'm talking to you, dear reader.

If we trust God like we say we do, and if we truly believe that we deserve His absolute best, we have to pray for the discernment to recognize our new season. And we have to be ready to open our hands to let some things go so that God can bless us with something new.

I don't know about you, but I am anxiously awaiting my new season! When it comes, I pray that I don't trip!

What about you? Are you ready for a new season?

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The fly, The grape, and the glass

7/15/2019

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The other day I was sitting in my friend’s backyard eating breakfast. We were in our pajamas, the hair on both of our heads was a mess, it was the most perfect time ever! Until...

While eating and chatting, a fly joined us and he was not invited! But there was a grape on the table that he wanted to enjoy so he landed upon it and wouldn’t go away! No matter how many times we tried to swat him away, he kept coming back, he meant to make the grape his own.

Out of frustration, my friend put a glass over both the fly and the grape. We thought that the fly would soon realize that his air supply was being compromised and would fly away once the glass was lifted, but that didn’t happen. Instead, when the glass was lifted and the fly had a chance to escape, it just continued working on that grape, completely unaware that he was slowly dying.

Isn’t that like us from time to time?

We get fixated on an idea, a plan, or even a person that we don’t realize that the air is literally being sucked out of us in the process.

I’m at that point now. There are some things I’m concentrating on that really don’t deserve my efforts. So while I’m hanging on to that “grape” I’m not paying close enough attention to other things happening around me. Things are about to change.

Is it just me? Or do you sometimes feel the need to re-calibrate to be sure that right things are getting your attention?

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The Patch of Green

4/13/2019

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During my morning walk I saw this patch of green in the middle of the dirt. At first I walked past it, fully into my own thoughts, but then I doubled back to take the picture I'm including here. By the time I got home, that patch of green had written a letter to me and left it at my door. Here's what it said:

Dear Gail,

I saw you looking at me today in awe and disbelief, and I understand. You're surprised by the fact that in the midst of this dirt, I've managed to grow. So let me explain...

I used the dirt to my advantage. The more dirt that was thrust upon me, the stronger my roots became. I simply dug in deep and hung on tight because I understood that my purpose was to bloom.

Yes, God told me that I would bloom and that I would be a patch of green. And He said that no matter what my situation looked like at any given moment, I was destined to be what He created me to be.

It took a lot longer than I expected because folks couldn't see me under the dirt. So they stepped on. They spat of me. They sat on me. They had no idea that under that dirt I was waiting for the sun to shine just right, alerting me to the fact that my time had come. I just had to wait for the sun.

When I saw that morning sun the other day, I began to shake the dirt off. Some of the other plants got mad, they thought I was thinking too highly of myself, just showing off. "Who was I to grow?," they asked. "Who was I to defy the odds and bring life to an otherwise dank and dirty situation?"

To be honest, I sometimes asked myself those same questions. "Was the sun really calling for me? Did I have what it takes to be the shade of green God intended? Would I be appreciated and valued, or would I be laughed at and ignored?" These are all questions I asked myself, until...

Until I suddenly realized that I was giving way too much value to what others thought of me. Instead, my focus needed to be on what God thinks of me and what I think of myself.

So I decided to bloom. And if you come by here next week, I'm going to be bigger and maybe even greener, if that's possible. Because I have a purpose to fulfill and I don't have the guts to defy God. He is working with me and guess what? He's working with you, too, Gail.

So shake the dirt off, dig in deep, and get ready to be all you were created to be! The Son is calling for you.

Love,
The Patch of Green

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Never be afraid to try

3/10/2019

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When I was about eight years old, my father had a heart attack and had to stay in the hospital for what felt like forever. It may have only been a week or so, but it felt like a very long time. Because of my age, I couldn't visit him, but one day I remember...

I remember my mother giving me a letter that my father had written to me. I don't remember much about the letter, but I remember him ending with "Never be afraid to try."

I hold on to so many things, I'm sorry I lost that note written so many years ago, but grateful that I've never forgotten those words.

Or have I?

Recently I've been thinking a lot about my future. How I feel like I'm too smart to be working so hard for "the man" while getting so little in return. How I don't want to live the balance of my life alone, but would love to find a wonderful man and be married again. How I so wish I'd had children of my own. How I need to evaluable the relationships in my life. How I often do things that I don't really want to do. How I sometimes start things that I don't finish. How I don't work as hard as I should to make things happen in my life. How I don't always try.

And I wonder what my father would say about me.

Maybe he knew way back then that today would come and I'd need that nudge, that gentle reminder that fear is a dream killer and that I should never be afraid to try.

So, as this new week begins and I hear that gentle reminder in my ear and in my heart, I re-dedicate myself to trying with all I can to make my dreams come true. And those dreams that have passed me by, I'll replace with new ones.

What dream will you work toward this week?

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Go Get Your Sparkle!

3/6/2019

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I was recently asked why I concentrate so heavily on the concept of being a bright light and sparkling. I’ll share the long version a little later, but let me tell you the short version now…

I grew up happy, bright, and full of life. Then I got married, and slowly but surely, the light I was born with began to get dim… and dimmer… and dimmer, until it went completely out. It was a gradual descent, I didn’t even know it was happening. In fact, I didn’t realize that I’d allowed my light to go out until it began to come on again. Does that make sense?

Put another way, I got so used to compromising and giving in to the desires of my husband, that I lost parts of myself in the process. And soon I was in the dark.

But I can’t blame him! He didn’t blow my light out, he never had that much power. No, I blew my own light out by not saying things that should have been said and by ignoring things I shouldn’t have ignored – all for the sake for trying to keep the peace and keep my marriage intact.

Well, we see where that got me!

Oh, but once I left his house, once I exhaled, once I loosened my own chains, I could feel something happening on the inside. It was strangely familiar and soon I realized that it was my light coming back on. I was back to me again! Michelle Obama might say “I was becoming!” But for me, I was becoming again. And as Peaches and Herb might say, I was reuniting with myself and it “felt so good!”

From this point forward, I try my best to sparkle on a daily basis, and if my sparkle hurts anybody’s eyes, they are free to borrow my sparkle shades. I’m wearing them in this picture (yes, my hair looks like a chicken, but don’t judge me, I was doing the best I could that day. LOL!) I have time to make up for and for me not to sparkle at this point would be a crime. I was born to sparkle. And so were you.

Go get your sparkle!

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Today I wore mascara, and I cried.

2/18/2019

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Have you ever felt a little down, but weren't sure why? Folks are getting on your nerves and you're wondering if it's them or you? You're worried that you might be getting sick, praying that you're just tired, and all the while disgusted with yourself because your attempts to "snap out of it" are simply not working?

Well, that's how I've felt over the past few days. Just not myself and not sure why. But today, while looking for yet another thing I'd misplaced (that's the topic of another blog post) I ran across this short piece I wrote a few months after my father passed away in 2003. And I think it answered my question: I miss Daddy.

My father has been gone for almost 16 years, but anyone who has lost someone close to them will attest to the fact that the pain never completely goes away. It changes, it gets better, but it never goes away.

I remember writing this piece, but I never think about it and I think I only shared it with one person, Chelle. Today I'd like to share it here to ensure that it never gets lost again.

TODAY I WORE MASCARA

Wearing mascara really isn't a big deal to most women. They do it as a matter of their regular mouning routine, in fact many of us wouldn't leave home without it. I used to be one of those women until… until my father died.

You see, I've never been the type to purchase the most expensive brand of mascara. I tend to buy whatever is on sale and, consequently, from time to time, my mascara runs.

For several months now I've been afraid to take the risk of wearing mascara because the tears I've cried daily would certainly let my co-workers know what I'd been crying -- again.

That's how it has been since Daddy died, but that's not surprising to anyone who knows me and the relationship I had with my father.

My father was a very, very special man. That was evident the day of his funeral when the line to get into the church ran the entire length of the sanctuary and out onto the sidewalk. But that wasn't the first time I realized just how special he was...

I knew my father was special when he brought me my first roll of "5 Flavor" lifesavers. He was special when he confronted a group of girls in the neighborhood who made me cry by saying that eyes were as big as windows. He as special when he surprised me by picking me up from my third grade class, only to find that I had to stay after school because I'd been talking too much in class that day. Daddy was special when he showed up to every special event of my life, and in the life of our family, dressed handsomely in a suit and tie.

He was special to me when he bought me my first leather jacket when I was in high school just so that I could feel "cool." (I can't fit it, but I still have it. I have never been able to get rid of that jacket, it represents so much to me.)

How special I felt when he took time off to fly to my college miles away just to spend a weekend with me. How proud I was when he walked me down the aisle on my wedding day. How sad I was when he became ill.

Oh, but how blessed I was to see my father handle his failing health with the strength of a lion, yet the grace of a gazelle. Never did he complain. Daddy knew he was in God's hands and was confident that all was well and within the Lord's will.

When my faith failed, when my heart was in despair, it was my father who boosted my spirits, sometimes by telling a joke or funny story, but often by simply squeezing my hand. I knew what that meant; it meant that everything was going to be all right.

Since my father has been gone, I've cried each and every day. Sometimes at the sound of a particular song or because my nephews remind me of him or because something just happened that I'd love to tell him about. But, to tell you the truth, most times I cry because of something I can't even describe. I just cry. And because I do, I'd stopped wearing mascara.

But today was different. Today I wore mascara.

I didn't really think about it beforehand, I just did. Went right to that bathroom shelf, got the mascara, and began applying it. Just like I did before. Before Daddy died.

Big mistake? No, I don't think so. I had to try. I had to take that one baby step toward taking control of my life and reminding myself that God is still good. I know that the strength of my father lives on in me, so I'll try it again tomorrow and see what happens. If the tears come, I'll let them fall.

I can't speak for tomorrow, just for today.

Today is the first day in a very long time that I wore mascara. And I Cried.

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Dear Future Man -- Part II

2/8/2019

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Guest Post from Author L. Breezee Harris

I love this, “I must apologize to myself for accepting less than I deserve!” Someone saw this and sent it to me. I think it needs to be a tee shirt, a bumper sticker, even a billboard sign! It says everything about me – to me.

No relationship is perfect. But shouldn’t we be able to look at the good of a man, and see his goodness outweighs the bad? I know there are good, decent men out there, men who love their partners, who are thoughtful and considerate, men who think about the other person before making decisions. Men who include their partner in their thinking in all that they do. I believe these men exist, and their goodness is a beacon to their partners, and the rest of the world. That beacon shouts out, that yes, we indeed matter. What a wonderful light to see!

Those are the kind of men we’re searching for, longing for. The kind of men who create a solid relationship so when they mess up (which they inevitably do) it’s not as awful, there’s a cushion of their history to soften the blow. The other type of man, the man who doesn’t try, doesn’t think about us, who takes us for granted, or assumes he has the right to just be about himself, when those type of men mess up, there’s no cushion, no foundation for us to stand on, and we’re left with bruises from the blow.

In some ways, we bring this on ourselves for accepting less at any point in the relationship. The minute we allow ourselves to be treated below the bar, our standard for ourselves, that’s the minute we begin the Endurance Game. How many of us have played it? How many times have we played it? You know the game. We endure their behavior, we endure their inattentiveness, we endure their lackluster emotions. How can they think more of us when we elect to endure their ‘less than’ treatment of us? As many times as I’ve overlooked below the bar behavior or less than treatment, all for the sake of having someone who may throw me a few crumbs, is pathetic. I’ve stayed in the Endurance Game because I might have had a good time with him, a nice memory. We may have laugh over something just between the two of us, or we shared a special time together. And my mind tricks me into believing ‘this is good, it’s enough’. But eventually the moment comes when I’m seeking his attention or expecting reciprocal treatment, or wanting his affection, and there’s nothing. He’s unable to provide even a small gesture. The Endurance Game begins. You do all you can to express how much you care, and you come back empty-handed. His move in the Endurance game is to give you a smile, a quick squeeze or pat, and it’s back to usual. Or even worse, if you ask questions, persist in trying to elicit a tender response you could end up with impatience or indifference, a true sign you’ve lost the Endurance Game.

Being the loser of the game shows you exactly how much you mean (or don’t mean) to them. There’s no coming back from that game. You can’t play again because he knows your weakness, your tell. You’re now forever stuck enduring – until you decide to end the game.

We have to learn this lesson; if it doesn’t come back to us, in kind, we never had it to begin with. We all make mistakes but have to realize mutual efforts are the foundation for a long-lasting, healthy relationship. We have to learn that enduring should always have an ending, and accepting below the bar is misery no one deserves.

Honestly, I think all relationships are 60-40, but what makes them work is sometimes I get 60%, sometimes I get 40% - that’s a real relationship. If we consistently get 40%, then we should look deeply at ourselves.

If you look deeply at yourself, what is it you honestly want from a relationship? Do you want to go in trying to fix it, massage it, and maneuver it into what you long for? Will that make you happy? And how long are you willing to wait for him to be what you need? You give, keep giving and keep waiting, what’s the end result? We kid ourselves by thinking he has what we need/want in him. We fool ourselves thinking we can work with him to pull it out, all we have to do is just hang on a little while longer, he’ll show it, or share it with us. Another loser move in the Endurance Game. He may have it in him, but the question is, what he has inside, is that for you? Are you important enough to him for him to want to show it or share it? Shouldn’t we know the answer to that already? If he hasn’t stepped up yet, when is he planning to? And why, why, why should we have to wait to have an answer?!? Why aren’t we important enough NOW, just as we are. He’s important to you, right? You’re giving him more than you receive, trying to pull out of him whatever it is you think he has inside, right? If that wasn’t the case there’d be no need for this conversation. No, either you’re important enough for him to be all you desire and deserve - like he is to you, or you accept “less than you deserve”.

My last questions to you are this. Why struggle to get them to show they care about us or search to find some part of ‘above the bar’ treatment from them? When is it our turn for happily ever after? When do we get the prince who fights dragons or climbs mountains or gets on bended knee? I’m so sick of the one-sided efforts we make with bare minimum in return. And what does tolerating the bare minimum get us? What’s the reward? We get to say we have someone? We have a companion (when he wants to be a companion)? We scratch out a tiny piece of happiness, hold it close and say it’s enough, when we know it’s not. It’s so hard to find a good man – future man. But why is that? If you don’t care about me enough to make the effort than please leave me alone. Or God, please let me be strong enough to leave him alone.

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Archives of writings expressing my thoughts and observations

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September 2019
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Hello and Welcome to my blog!

I'm a grown up "church girl" who is bouncing back from some hard blows, including an ugly divorce, financial hardship, and dreams deferred. Now, more than ever before, I am embracing the idea of transformation and beautiful new beginnings.

Won't you take this journey with me?

Code Blue

Archives of writings expressing my thoughts and observations

Hello and Welcome to my blog!

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