Diary of a Grown-Up Church Girl

Never be afraid to try

3/10/2019

When I was about eight years old, my father had a heart attack and had to stay in the hospital for what felt like forever. It may have only been a week or so, but it felt like a very long time. Because of my age, I couldn't visit him, but one day I remember...

I remember my mother giving me a letter that my father had written to me. I don't remember much about the letter, but I remember him ending with "Never be afraid to try."

I hold on to so many things, I'm sorry I lost that note written so many years ago, but grateful that I've never forgotten those words.

Or have I?

Recently I've been thinking a lot about my future. How I feel like I'm too smart to be working so hard for "the man" while getting so little in return. How I don't want to live the balance of my life alone, but would love to find a wonderful man and be married again. How I so wish I'd had children of my own. How I need to evaluable the relationships in my life. How I often do things that I don't really want to do. How I sometimes start things that I don't finish. How I don't work as hard as I should to make things happen in my life. How I don't always try.

And I wonder what my father would say about me.

Maybe he knew way back then that today would come and I'd need that nudge, that gentle reminder that fear is a dream killer and that I should never be afraid to try.

So, as this new week begins and I hear that gentle reminder in my ear and in my heart, I re-dedicate myself to trying with all I can to make my dreams come true. And those dreams that have passed me by, I'll replace with new ones.

What dream will you work toward this week?

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Go Get Your Sparkle!

3/6/2019

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I was recently asked why I concentrate so heavily on the concept of being a bright light and sparkling. I’ll share the long version a little later, but let me tell you the short version now…

I grew up happy, bright, and full of life. Then I got married, and slowly but surely, the light I was born with began to get dim… and dimmer… and dimmer, until it went completely out. It was a gradual descent, I didn’t even know it was happening. In fact, I didn’t realize that I’d allowed my light to go out until it began to come on again. Does that make sense?

Put another way, I got so used to compromising and giving in to the desires of my husband, that I lost parts of myself in the process. And soon I was in the dark.

But I can’t blame him! He didn’t blow my light out, he never had that much power. No, I blew my own light out by not saying things that should have been said and by ignoring things I shouldn’t have ignored – all for the sake for trying to keep the peace and keep my marriage intact.

Well, we see where that got me!

Oh, but once I left his house, once I exhaled, once I loosened my own chains, I could feel something happening on the inside. It was strangely familiar and soon I realized that it was my light coming back on. I was back to me again! Michelle Obama might say “I was becoming!” But for me, I was becoming again. And as Peaches and Herb might say, I was reuniting with myself and it “felt so good!”

From this point forward, I try my best to sparkle on a daily basis, and if my sparkle hurts anybody’s eyes, they are free to borrow my sparkle shades. I’m wearing them in this picture (yes, my hair looks like a chicken, but don’t judge me, I was doing the best I could that day. LOL!) I have time to make up for and for me not to sparkle at this point would be a crime. I was born to sparkle. And so were you.

Go get your sparkle!

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Today I wore mascara, and I cried.

2/18/2019

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Have you ever felt a little down, but weren't sure why? Folks are getting on your nerves and you're wondering if it's them or you? You're worried that you might be getting sick, praying that you're just tired, and all the while disgusted with yourself because your attempts to "snap out of it" are simply not working?

Well, that's how I've felt over the past few days. Just not myself and not sure why. But today, while looking for yet another thing I'd misplaced (that's the topic of another blog post) I ran across this short piece I wrote a few months after my father passed away in 2003. And I think it answered my question: I miss Daddy.

My father has been gone for almost 16 years, but anyone who has lost someone close to them will attest to the fact that the pain never completely goes away. It changes, it gets better, but it never goes away.

I remember writing this piece, but I never think about it and I think I only shared it with one person, Chelle. Today I'd like to share it here to ensure that it never gets lost again.

TODAY I WORE MASCARA

Wearing mascara really isn't a big deal to most women. They do it as a matter of their regular mouning routine, in fact many of us wouldn't leave home without it. I used to be one of those women until… until my father died.

You see, I've never been the type to purchase the most expensive brand of mascara. I tend to buy whatever is on sale and, consequently, from time to time, my mascara runs.

For several months now I've been afraid to take the risk of wearing mascara because the tears I've cried daily would certainly let my co-workers know what I'd been crying -- again.

That's how it has been since Daddy died, but that's not surprising to anyone who knows me and the relationship I had with my father.

My father was a very, very special man. That was evident the day of his funeral when the line to get into the church ran the entire length of the sanctuary and out onto the sidewalk. But that wasn't the first time I realized just how special he was...

I knew my father was special when he brought me my first roll of "5 Flavor" lifesavers. He was special when he confronted a group of girls in the neighborhood who made me cry by saying that eyes were as big as windows. He as special when he surprised me by picking me up from my third grade class, only to find that I had to stay after school because I'd been talking too much in class that day. Daddy was special when he showed up to every special event of my life, and in the life of our family, dressed handsomely in a suit and tie.

He was special to me when he bought me my first leather jacket when I was in high school just so that I could feel "cool." (I can't fit it, but I still have it. I have never been able to get rid of that jacket, it represents so much to me.)

How special I felt when he took time off to fly to my college miles away just to spend a weekend with me. How proud I was when he walked me down the aisle on my wedding day. How sad I was when he became ill.

Oh, but how blessed I was to see my father handle his failing health with the strength of a lion, yet the grace of a gazelle. Never did he complain. Daddy knew he was in God's hands and was confident that all was well and within the Lord's will.

When my faith failed, when my heart was in despair, it was my father who boosted my spirits, sometimes by telling a joke or funny story, but often by simply squeezing my hand. I knew what that meant; it meant that everything was going to be all right.

Since my father has been gone, I've cried each and every day. Sometimes at the sound of a particular song or because my nephews remind me of him or because something just happened that I'd love to tell him about. But, to tell you the truth, most times I cry because of something I can't even describe. I just cry. And because I do, I'd stopped wearing mascara.

But today was different. Today I wore mascara.

I didn't really think about it beforehand, I just did. Went right to that bathroom shelf, got the mascara, and began applying it. Just like I did before. Before Daddy died.

Big mistake? No, I don't think so. I had to try. I had to take that one baby step toward taking control of my life and reminding myself that God is still good. I know that the strength of my father lives on in me, so I'll try it again tomorrow and see what happens. If the tears come, I'll let them fall.

I can't speak for tomorrow, just for today.

Today is the first day in a very long time that I wore mascara. And I Cried.

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Dear Future Man -- Part II

2/8/2019

4 Comments

Guest Post from Author L. Breezee Harris

I love this, “I must apologize to myself for accepting less than I deserve!” Someone saw this and sent it to me. I think it needs to be a tee shirt, a bumper sticker, even a billboard sign! It says everything about me – to me.

No relationship is perfect. But shouldn’t we be able to look at the good of a man, and see his goodness outweighs the bad? I know there are good, decent men out there, men who love their partners, who are thoughtful and considerate, men who think about the other person before making decisions. Men who include their partner in their thinking in all that they do. I believe these men exist, and their goodness is a beacon to their partners, and the rest of the world. That beacon shouts out, that yes, we indeed matter. What a wonderful light to see!

Those are the kind of men we’re searching for, longing for. The kind of men who create a solid relationship so when they mess up (which they inevitably do) it’s not as awful, there’s a cushion of their history to soften the blow. The other type of man, the man who doesn’t try, doesn’t think about us, who takes us for granted, or assumes he has the right to just be about himself, when those type of men mess up, there’s no cushion, no foundation for us to stand on, and we’re left with bruises from the blow.

In some ways, we bring this on ourselves for accepting less at any point in the relationship. The minute we allow ourselves to be treated below the bar, our standard for ourselves, that’s the minute we begin the Endurance Game. How many of us have played it? How many times have we played it? You know the game. We endure their behavior, we endure their inattentiveness, we endure their lackluster emotions. How can they think more of us when we elect to endure their ‘less than’ treatment of us? As many times as I’ve overlooked below the bar behavior or less than treatment, all for the sake of having someone who may throw me a few crumbs, is pathetic. I’ve stayed in the Endurance Game because I might have had a good time with him, a nice memory. We may have laugh over something just between the two of us, or we shared a special time together. And my mind tricks me into believing ‘this is good, it’s enough’. But eventually the moment comes when I’m seeking his attention or expecting reciprocal treatment, or wanting his affection, and there’s nothing. He’s unable to provide even a small gesture. The Endurance Game begins. You do all you can to express how much you care, and you come back empty-handed. His move in the Endurance game is to give you a smile, a quick squeeze or pat, and it’s back to usual. Or even worse, if you ask questions, persist in trying to elicit a tender response you could end up with impatience or indifference, a true sign you’ve lost the Endurance Game.

Being the loser of the game shows you exactly how much you mean (or don’t mean) to them. There’s no coming back from that game. You can’t play again because he knows your weakness, your tell. You’re now forever stuck enduring – until you decide to end the game.

We have to learn this lesson; if it doesn’t come back to us, in kind, we never had it to begin with. We all make mistakes but have to realize mutual efforts are the foundation for a long-lasting, healthy relationship. We have to learn that enduring should always have an ending, and accepting below the bar is misery no one deserves.

Honestly, I think all relationships are 60-40, but what makes them work is sometimes I get 60%, sometimes I get 40% - that’s a real relationship. If we consistently get 40%, then we should look deeply at ourselves.

If you look deeply at yourself, what is it you honestly want from a relationship? Do you want to go in trying to fix it, massage it, and maneuver it into what you long for? Will that make you happy? And how long are you willing to wait for him to be what you need? You give, keep giving and keep waiting, what’s the end result? We kid ourselves by thinking he has what we need/want in him. We fool ourselves thinking we can work with him to pull it out, all we have to do is just hang on a little while longer, he’ll show it, or share it with us. Another loser move in the Endurance Game. He may have it in him, but the question is, what he has inside, is that for you? Are you important enough to him for him to want to show it or share it? Shouldn’t we know the answer to that already? If he hasn’t stepped up yet, when is he planning to? And why, why, why should we have to wait to have an answer?!? Why aren’t we important enough NOW, just as we are. He’s important to you, right? You’re giving him more than you receive, trying to pull out of him whatever it is you think he has inside, right? If that wasn’t the case there’d be no need for this conversation. No, either you’re important enough for him to be all you desire and deserve - like he is to you, or you accept “less than you deserve”.

My last questions to you are this. Why struggle to get them to show they care about us or search to find some part of ‘above the bar’ treatment from them? When is it our turn for happily ever after? When do we get the prince who fights dragons or climbs mountains or gets on bended knee? I’m so sick of the one-sided efforts we make with bare minimum in return. And what does tolerating the bare minimum get us? What’s the reward? We get to say we have someone? We have a companion (when he wants to be a companion)? We scratch out a tiny piece of happiness, hold it close and say it’s enough, when we know it’s not. It’s so hard to find a good man – future man. But why is that? If you don’t care about me enough to make the effort than please leave me alone. Or God, please let me be strong enough to leave him alone.

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Dear Future Man

2/1/2019

10 Comments

Guest Post from Author L. Breezee Harris

Dear Future Man,

Hello. I was just talking to my sister about relationships and it started me thinking about what I want for myself, what I’ll accept or tolerate from a future partner.

Please don’t take offense at my use of the word “tolerate”, it’s meant to define . . . . okay, it’ means exactly that, what I’m not willing to tolerate, ever again, from a man in my life. A very brief personal history - because of broken promises, cheating, lying, etc., you know, the whole shebang, I decided to abstain from any personal interaction with the opposite sex. But I can’t stop wondering ‘is there a chance, is there a hope’? So I decided to write to you.

Let’s move on to what it would take for me to lift my self-imposed abstinence. All of the following are things I readily give in a relationship to my partner, happily, and what I NOW expect in return.

Attention: Women supposedly talk too much, examine details men aren’t interested in, expose feelings better left hidden, and the lists apparently goes on. What men don’t seem to realize is if you sit and talk to me, ask me questions and HEAR my answers, you’ve won me for life. For Life. You don’t have to understand every word, but paying attention, caring about what I’m expressing carves a special spot for you in my heart that I’ll cherish and nurture forever. EXAMPLE of INATTENTIVE: I say I don’t like flowers. They’re pretty, love their fragrance, but they die. Buying me flowers is a waste of money. Then, for my birthday or Valentine’s Day you show up with flowers and expect me to be grateful? Uh, nope, not paying attention.

Time: We’re all busy people, rushing here and there to get things done in our lives. We make time for things we want, we fit in all the rest. If you want me, you don’t ‘fit me in’. You carve out time for us because it’s important, it’s what you want to do, and doing it makes you happy. You find ways for us to be together, whether it’s sitting side by side watching an old television show or walking a trail or hearing some unknown band at a funky little bar or signing up for a dance class/art class/cooking class/exercise class, or just going out to dinner. We make the time, for us, doing whatever we can dream up together.

Expression: Honestly, most people can read my face pretty easily. Nothing is perfect except for Jesus Christ, and I expect, as a couple, there will be problems, disappointments and arguments. On the other hand, I expect there to be joy, excitement and happiness! Why not express that, share that with one another? I love being able to show you how much you excite me or how happy you make me. I’ll wrap you in the joy you make me feel! And I want the same back from you. Not just your joy or happiness or excitement from sex, but your genuine feelings about me and our relationship.
Affection: I can’t speak for all women, so from me to you, affection is important. As a very young woman I remember a man I was seeing came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me against him. He kissed my cheek and my neck, told me he missed me and how good I felt in his arms. I never forgot that feeling of being wanted, desired. It’s a lasting memory because, first - it was an unexpected surprise, and second, because was such a loving gesture. Holding hands, arms around each other, touching in ways that only we share, is important. Not so much publicly – to me that’s all about show. I mean privately, one on one. When we reach for each other, for that special, intimate contact, we’re solidifying so much more.

Commitment: When people meet, they know pretty soon if they want to go for the long haul or if some THING just doesn’t fit with the other person. Don’t pretend like you don’t know. It’s the truth; we decide if we like a person, if we can live with this one quirk or this other thing, or if it’s NOPE, can’t do it. (For me, it’s men with long fingernails, yuck. Or people who let spit collect in the corners of their mouths. Sorry, no can do.) I’ll speak plain here, pardon my tone, and this is for men AND women. You know when it’s not what you want, but you figure you’ll deal with it, he/she is better than nothing, you’ll just go along with it until something better comes along. That Ticks Me Off! You selfish . . . How about trying honesty, be man/woman enough to say it aloud? I’d prefer the truth to lies, any day! If you’re not attracted, whatever the reason, let the person know you’re not interested in more than a friendship. If you can’t commit to building a true relationship, or you try and it doesn’t work, or if something changes your mind, say it outta your mouth! Have enough respect for the person you’re with to speak the truth. Yes, it’ll hurt but it’s a thousand times better than being a classless phony piece of – never mind.

Final thoughts: It’s important for couples to share many things - our true hopes and dreams, future plans and/or goals for ourselves, our health, financial expectations, our principles; and always with lots and lots of laughter (or tears), to build a solid foundation, for both of us. That’s what I want from my Future Man.

Future Man, if you exist, I pray there’s one of you for every single female I know. I pray you unite with them in an everlasting, loving bond, forever.

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She had an issue of blood

1/15/2019

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Just a day or so ago I heard a reference made to the woman with the issue of blood. You know her.

She’s mentioned in the Gospels as having suffered for 12 years with a blood condition, most likely something akin to a hemorrhage. She’d exhausted all of her resources going to doctor after doctor, desperate for some relief, but no one could help her. Then she heard that Jesus was coming to her town.

She had to know that multitudes of people would be trying to see Him, and she knew that because of her condition she was deemed unclean and probably unworthy of speaking to the Master. But this woman had a plan. She thought that if she could just get close enough to touch the hem of his garment she could be healed.

So, as you probably know, she pulled herself together to go see Jesus. I imagine her doing all she could to look her best, she knew that she was going to be in the presence of royalty. Once she got in the area where Jesus was, she struggled through the crowd to touch His hem. Most in the crowd were likely bigger and stronger than she was but, again, she was a woman with a plan.

And her mission was accomplished. She was able to touch the hem of His garment and right away her body was made whole.

The Bible states that her touch was so powerful that it caused Jesus to ask His disciples, “Who touched me?” It was only then that the woman made herself known to Jesus and He told her that her faith had made her whole.

As I heard this story recently, three questions came to my mind. I’ll share them with you here:

What’s MY Issue?

I grew up going to Sunday School and church, so I’ve heard this story all of my life. But just recently the word “issue” stood out to me. Because we all have our issues, don’t we?

While this woman’s issue was physical and dealt specifically with a blood problem, other issues might be diabetes, or heart disease, or some other physical malady. And, not all issues are physical. Some are mental, spiritual, or emotional.

I suffer with an issue of impatience. As much as I try (which isn’t very much, truth be told), I cannot help but get annoyed when I think someone is asking an unnecessary question or taking way too long to get something I need done. Like this woman, I need help. But the good news is that the same Jesus who helped this woman thousands of years ago can help me, too. He can help you, as well.

Who’s In MY Crowd?

This woman had to deal with a crowd to get to her desired healing, and we don’t see anything recorded that suggests that there was anyone in the crowd who tried to help her. Rather, we’re led to believe that the size of the crowd hindered her and made it difficult for her to reach Jesus.

Are there people in your crowd who are making it hard for you to reach your goals? Check your crowd and push out of the way anyone who hinders your ability to get rid of your issue and embrace your destiny.

How Powerful Is MY “Touch”?

We know that it wasn’t really the touch of the garment that made this woman whole, but it was faith that got the job done. Could my faith, could your faith do the same thing? Is it strong enough to allow you to trust God to tackle your issues?

The Bible stories we’ve heard all of our lives often take on new meanings as we get older and experience more of what life has to offer. What messages do you find in this familiar story that you can apply to your life?

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HELP!

7/6/2018

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Is it me... or them?

7/2/2018

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That moment when you realize that you’re a lot more thoughtful than most people you know, and you wonder if there’s something wrong with you for loving them so much.

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I'm ready for tomorrow

6/27/2018

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Today has been a very interesting today, but I'm ready for tomorrow.

Had my marriage lasted, I would have been married for 20 years today. It’s sad when I think about all of the happiness that was in my heart 20 years ago. All of the excitement. All of the anticipation I had for my happily ever after. I’m disappointed that things didn’t work out the way I expected.

Today I found out that one of my favorite colleagues is retiring. She’s had a rough couple of weeks and decided that time was passing her by much too quickly. So she decided to stop working and smell the roses while she’s healthy and able to do so. I envy her.

Today I learned that a friend is sick. She’s a woman of faith and she’s strong, but she’s also human. I feel badly for her and I vow to join her in her fight, however I can.

Today my commute was worse than my usual horrible commute. There was no accident, just too many cars in an area that continues to build houses. This suggests to me that things are only going to get worse.

Today my male friend got on my nerves due to a silly misunderstanding. Maybe by this time I’d just had enough, cause what happened really shouldn’t have bothered me, but it did. Life as a single girl really isn’t so bad, I'm not sure my nerves can take the hassle of testosterone.

Today is another day that my beloved cat child, Sasha Malia, is not eating. I have no idea why. She begs for food and when I feed her, she refuses it. The last time she went through this it cost me several hundreds of dollars for a vet to tell me that nothing was physically wrong with her. Maybe her eating disorder has come from hanging around me? It really is possible, I've been known to eat popcorn, ice cream, or trail mix for dinner. Don’t judge, I live alone and am the only one who has to eat it! 😊

Yeah, today has been a very interesting day and it’s not over yet. I feel like I want to run into my room, jump under the covers, and try this thing again tomorrow.

I can’t take too much more of today. I'm grateful for it, but I'm ready for tomorrow.

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June 23rd, 2018

6/23/2018

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Hello and Welcome to my blog!

I'm a grown up "church girl" who is bouncing back from some hard blows, including an ugly divorce, financial hardship, and dreams deferred. Now, more than ever before, I am embracing the idea of transformation and beautiful new beginnings.

Won't you take this journey with me?

Archives of writings expressing my thoughts and observations

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