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After the scream

3/23/2015

I am HAPPY to report that things are looking up since I screamed at God.

Yep, I screamed at Him. I felt badly about it, I meant Him no harm.

But on that particular evening, life had beat me down and I just wasn't sure if God was aware of what I was going through. Did He see me? Did He know what was happening with me?

Did He care?

So I went a step beyond my usual church girl prayers and I screamed out in anger, frustration and despair.

I felt bad about it, but I was relieved to read responses to my post about it. Seems as if I'm not the only one who has had reason to scream.

Anyway, my good news is that God heard me!

He's fixed some things, rearranged some things, and in the wake of it all He has left me with that peace that surpasses all understanding. Cause, you see, I should still be angry, I should still be frustrated and in despair.

But I'm not.

Things aren't perfect, but they are much better. I'm thankful for that scream.

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It only took eleven minutes

3/16/2015

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Early this morning, I felt horribly.

I woke up at about 4am with a really bad headache and I was nauseous and well, let's just say that it was bad. As I lay in bed watching shows I'd taped, I had pretty much decided there was no way I was going to work in the morning, especially since I didn't get back to sleep until almost 6am.

But when I woke up, I felt pretty good, so I thought I could make it. I really didn't know why I was pushing myself to go in, I didn't have much going on in the office, but for some reason I felt compelled to go.

While parking my car, I had a conversation with a colleague and, in the midst of our discussion, I understood why I'd gone to work today.

I needed to talk to her. And she needed to talk to me.

I don't know her well at all, I just see this woman every morning and we exchange brief pleasantries.

For some reason (I think it was God), today I asked her how her weekend had been. To be honest, I didn't really care, I was just being nice, you know how church girls do.

But for some reason, she didn't respond with the perfunctory "It was fine, thanks," rather she really told me how her weekend had been. She said it wasn't good.

She shared details surrounding some family challenges she was facing, how a conversation with her mother had hurt her deeply, and how she was mourning the murder of her oldest son. This woman poured her heart out to me and I felt very fortunate to be there to listen.

You see, I asked God a while ago to allow me to use my experiences to help someone else and I felt that at work today. While my issues are quite different from those of this woman, I could talk to her about how I've dealt with my own difficulties and I could speak not from what I've heard about or read about, but from what I have personally felt.

Because of our talk, I was eleven minutes late getting to my desk today, but it was worth it. Every single moment was worth it. Because this woman told me that our conversation had saved her life.

Saved. Her. Life. Wow.

I really don't think she would have physically harmed herself, but I do think that the conversation we'd just shared had made her burden lighter and helped ensure that she had a decent day.

And our talk strengthened my testimony, as well as the confidence I need to willingly share my story.

If that type of difference can be made in just 11 minutes, just imagine what God can do with us and through us when we give Him even more of our time.

Can you spare 11 minutes?

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Sometimes you need to scream

3/5/2015

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I don’t often visibly lose control, but on yesterday I did. I had just about had enough.

My emotions were all over the place.

I started the day having an morning meeting that put me on cloud nine! I was so happy, so excited, so thrilled with this glimpse at a future I was hoping to soon embrace. By noon, that image was crushed with some information that was absolutely heartbreaking to me and which threatened my ability to make my early morning dream come true.

Then I got news at work of a “rule” that made no sense to me and made me question why I even worked for a company that would adhere to such madness.

I quickly remembered why -- because I like to eat and live inside. So I tried to get over it.

While trying to get through a busy afternoon at the office, I was constantly bombarded with questions from all directions, most of which were – between me and you -- stupid. Not just regular stupid, really stupid. At one point, I just put my head down on my desk and waited for someone to bring me milk and cookies and tell me that everything was going to be ok. I waited for about 28 seconds and when that didn't happen, I raised my head back up and resumed my position. I need my job, as I've grown accustomed to shelter.

Then my cell phone buzzed indicating that I’d received a text from a relatively nice man that I never should have responded to when he reached out to me on the online dating site I wrote about earlier. He seemed nice and, thinking I might be ready to have a man in my life, I responded to him. We spoke twice and he must have snorted about 349 times. Yes, snorted as in snot. And spit.

This is just between me and you, right? I'd like to let you in on a little secret...

I hate spit.

Its gross. Spit frightens me, it’s been that way with me for years. So when this man snorted throughout our entire conversation, all I could think of was spit, and I knew then that there simply could be no future to our relationship.

But, what I found almost equally unacceptable was that he cursed.

Now I have been known to cuss like a sailor myself (yes, me the church girl), but not during an initial conversation with a person, ya know? Especially someone I’m trying to impress! This man said a few choice words during our very first conversation and that was, for me, a complete turnoff.

So when I saw his name pop up on my phone, it just added to the aggravation of my day. I cringed and quickly buried the phone deep inside of my purse.

Ok, so then it was time to leave the office and I was so happy to be meeting my friend, Maggie, downtown for a play. I wasn’t sure of the best way to get to the theater, so a work friend was trying to give me directions and I found that to be very irritating.

Yes, I did. Cause I didn’t feel like listening.

I had already been through enough, listening to him tell me which exit to take out of our office complex and then where to turn was just more than I could take at that moment, so I just tuned out. I nodded as he spoke, but I have no idea of what he was saying and I wasn't really trying to. Bless his heart, I think he could tell cause he suddenly just stopped talking and said that he would lead me in the direction I needed to go. I appreciated that, things were looking up.

So now I am in my car, also known as my sanctuary. I’m on the road, beginning to unwind and enjoy my peace.

Then the phone rang.

I won’t say now who it was, but suffice it to say that I really didn’t feel like talking with anyone at that time. But I did, cause that’s what good church girls do: We often do things we don’t want to do if we think it is “right” or if we think it will prevent us from hurting someone's feelings. (That’s something we need to work on…)

Anyway, during this conversation I realized that I had missed my turn and was now lost. I quickly ended my call so that I could try to figure out where in the heck I was.

And that’s when it happened.

That’s when I screamed.

I completely lost it. I screamed really loudly and my throat is still a little hoarse. I screamed at God.

I asked Him why He kept letting bad things happen to me, why He wasn’t hearing me, why He remained so silent during this difficult time in my life, why He was refusing to give me a break, and, at that moment, why He allowed me to miss my turn?? "Come on, God" I said, "now I'm going to be late for the play? Really?"

And so I screamed. I needed God to know that I was confused, bewildered, and just plain tired. I needed Him to hear me, I needed Him to help me.

I think He heard me because, once I calmed down, I recognized where I was and I realized that there was another exit I could take up ahead, so all was not loss. And the rest of my trip downtown was a lot smoother. I found a good parking space, I got to the theater before the show had started, I was feeling better about myself, my situations, and, quite frankly, I was feeling better about God.

Now, my friend, I’m going to be honest with you: I’d like to be able to wrap this story up with a “happily ever after” ending, but I’m not there yet.

This story is still unfolding.

I’m still tired of what I’m going through. I’m still frustrated. I’m still confused.

And, in spite of my love for God and the trust that I have in Him, I still have some scream in me. And chances are that within the next week or so I will scream again.

Sometimes, you just need to scream. Well, maybe I should speak for myself: Sometimes I need to scream.

Am I the only one? Or have you ever felt the need to scream to release your frustrations and to try to get God's attention?

Note: Please join us on Facebook at LivingInTheKeyOfJoy and follow me on Twitter at Key of Joy.

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Hello and Welcome to my blog!

I'm a grown up "church girl" who is bouncing back from some hard blows, including an ugly divorce, financial hardship, and dreams deferred. Now, more than ever before, I am embracing the idea of transformation and beautiful new beginnings.

Won't you take this journey with me?

After the scream

It only took eleven minutes

Sometimes you need to scream

Archives of writings expressing my thoughts and observations

Hello and Welcome to my blog!

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