A card will have to do

4/19/2015

My former mother-in-law is sick. Really sick.

And everything within me wants to go see her, but I can’t.

You see, her family is not fond of me. They once were, but not anymore. So I am afraid of what could happen if I saw them. If they saw me. If we saw each other.

They’re not the kind of people to be outwardly cruel. It’s not their overt actions that frighten me, it’s the looks. The stares. The awkwardness. The forced conversation. The loudly heard, but never spoken, “What is she doing here?”

And then there’s me. I don’t like her family any more than they like me. So my stares, my forced pretense of “this is all cool” would also be awkward. The whole thing would be very odd.

So I am forced to act contrary to who I really am and I’ll just send a card.

A card to a woman I once loved with all of my heart. A card to a woman I shopped with, went to church with, and I beautifully bonded with when I met her son over 20 years ago.

I thought, for a moment or two, that I should overlook my feelings and think more of hers. But the truth of the matter is that she hasn’t reached out to me much at all since my separation and divorce. Maybe she really doesn't care. And maybe I'm making a lot more of this than is necessary... it wouldn’t be the first time!

But, really, is a card enough?

Not in my book. You see, I'm a real "hospital person." Blame it on my father, Deacon Clanton. He was always visiting folks in the hospital, so going to see people who are sick feels very natural and appropriate to me. I may send a card to a friend or family member in the hospital, but I ALWAYS visit.

But not this time.

This time a card will have to let this brave and loving woman know that I care about her and that I wish her well.

This time, in an effort to keep my joy and my sanity intact and in an effort to make everyone most comfortable, a card will have to do.

8 Comments

LauraGirl

4/19/2015 11:30:26 pm

Wow, what a struggle it must be to tiptoe through that dense forest. I don't know that I'd choose any differently than you have.

At the same time, you have an invitation below for comments, and I'm feeling bold. So, I am thinking - perhaps in a devil's-advocate sort of way - what's the point of doing this? Is it to let her know you care? Obviously. Is it an opportunity to maybe get some closure? Is it an opportunity to maybe see this person who's so important to your life, even if only historically, one last time? And is it an opportunity to express yourself - who you are, what you know is right for you?

If that's the case, then frankly, I say the stares and awkwardness can go take a leap. So what if there's an awkward moment. It may be worth the moments of grace and connection you are taking a risk to perhaps experience. Nothing worth doing is easy. If you can foresee that seeing her and being who you are and showing her love and care, out of respect and gratitude for the role she's played in your life - it's about YOU, not her, anyway. And not those people who would stare. They're only staring because they're uncomfortable. And, in the end, as a byproduct you just *might* bring some light to her or them in a tough time. I'm sure you've similarly meant the world to her, as well, no matter how things have ended up - hurt feelings are only a symptom of love.

Why not just be who you are, with joy, courage, and maybe even compassion for the awkward stares? No matter what happens. Isn't this an opportunity to be the butterfly, and not be trapped by the cocoon of other people's opinions?

You are, after all, supreme.

Just a thought. :)

Laura

4/19/2015 11:39:28 pm

PS - I am not surprised she hasn't reached to you, and I personally would recommend not assigning meaning to that. For all the years she's known and loved you, she's known and loved her son for so many more, and mothers, I have learned, have it injected deeply in their bones to be loyal to their children, no matter what, even to their own detriment or pain. Even if it means severing a beautiful bond with an extraordinary woman, such as yourself.

What a lovely tribute you've paid to her here in this blog, in any event. Perhaps if you choose sending a card, you'd write similar sentiments about what she's meant to you. If it were me, I would imagine reading what's above would move me deeply.

What's with all the opinions this morning I'm spouting, sheesh.... I blame the colorful tulips! I'm signing off now!

Twana

4/20/2015 01:45:26 pm

LauraG is so mature, and Gail, so are you. I never made any attempts to call, visit or even send a card to my ex-mother-in-law. She's dead now. That's all.

jessica link

4/20/2015 01:06:43 am

Laura made some very good points.

It is a tricky situation. In-laws take on the personality of the relationship. When the love goes, they turn cold. At least mine did.

It is a power issue, too. If you appear emotionally tied in, it's an opportunity to turn the dagger. "We know you love our mother, but you can't see her. Haha, go home and cry!" Sounds petty and it is. Unnecessary drama is the only power some people. It would be proper to cheerfully invite everyone who loves her in if it makes her day. In my case, she wants nothing to do with me. Prayers sent. I'm good with that.

It is like giving an offering at church. If it is given from a pure heart, God Will bless it. We decide what to give and how much. Never consider what will be done with the offering or if it is rejected or misused. Give.

If you want to send a card she may never see. Send it. If you want to float in past the crowd with a bouquet of flowers dressed in red! Then go. It's not about them. If they stop you at the door, leave the flowers at the desk, say a prayer, shake their dust off and take yourself out to dinner with your mom. Never quench God's Spirit. He Has a Purpose for it.

Thanks for being a surrogate GMa for the crew! Love you OF.

LBreezee

4/20/2015 03:53:13 am

It's a terrible place to be, but knowing you and your huge heart, I think you should go. Drama is gonna be there, you already know that. But you love this woman, she means something to you and that's important - not for her or for them, but for you!

I don't think you should put yourself out there to be abused, but we know they probably whispered about you when it was all good. Who cares, this is about your heart and your peace. I think it'll hurt YOU deeply if you don't go.

We all do what our spirits (minds) tells us to do, and you do the right thing even when it hurts (and drives me crazy!), even when it goes against every sane reasoning, you do what's right. Personally, I can't do you! Your kindness and giving spirit are examples I know Jesus would like me to follow. I'd just lift her in prayer and press on!

Again, she means something to you and you can go to see her, if it's just to tell her you love her. Whatever you decide, I support you 2 zillion percent. You need me to ride, I'm down.

Yvonne Allsopp

4/20/2015 03:56:34 pm

Hmmm
Never been blessed to be an ex-wife or hAve an ex- mother in law. As a matter of fact, if I dare share..
I just found out on Saturday, at an ex-boyfriends funeral, that I was an ex-fiance.
Strange, I went out with this man for about a year , and when the relationship ended, I didn't know it was over because he just walked away and stopped calling.
My daughter was about 9 or 10 years old. His daughter was around 11 or 12, at that time. His ex-wife tried to warn me before I was in too deep. But being a "nice" person, I couldn't imagine that he would be anything but good for me and my child. After all the two girls got along beautifully. And as I also learned at his funeral, to my daughter, he was the only man in b her life that was like a Father to her. As she sobbed, she explained he treated her more than a father, than her real father.
HumblyI sat, about 15 feet from the casket, about the third row from the front.
His daughter wanted us near. Her mother, who was ex-wife # 2; wasn't present.
Then the obituary was v read. I learned he left be hind three loving ex-wives and the most wonderful ex-fiancé. My daughter said she wondered why he and I never married. She said she felt kind of sad because I wasn't a part of the obituary.
I would have been between the second an third ex-wife. But my daughter tried to make me not feel left out by letting me know that when ever his daughter and she are out, they refer to each other as "almost sisters" since her dad was engaged to me.
There is a lot off falacy. We were not engaged. This was a relationship which was not of God or from God. My Christian walk was hardly Luke warm.
As I listened to the Preacher describe his cousin with glowing terms of perfection, for a fleeting moment I allowed the enemy to make me question my self. WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME ? WHY DIDN'T HE MARRY ME? AFTER ALL, I WAS A GOOD WOMAN... and I had to check myself and say Stop. ..There is nothing wrong with me. I am a beautiful person and a God fearing Woman. And if I didn't fear God, I would have been married to this man then I would have an ex- mother in- law; and my daughter would have the sibling for which she longs. ..
How ever, because I do love the Lord, and put my daughter's feeling s and my ex-friends daughter's feelings ahead of mine. I supported them and stood on God's word. His Grace is sufficient. I did what was right. I felt so much love for the two young ladies as they dealt with their pain.
Some might say I should not have gone others would say I should have ...in the end I can sleep at night I feel no pain or remorse. I rather feel blessed and at peace because I could have been part of 4 ex-wives or two ex-fiancé s.
Only you and God knows what and how you feel about your ex-mother in-law and your dilemma.
No matter your choice, live in the key of joy. .that joy that surpasses all understanding; the joy, that even when the circumstances are rough and perplexed, it bubbles over!

Gail

4/22/2015 07:37:43 am

You did what was right for you, Yvonne, that's the important thing. Like you said, you're at peace. I enjoyed and benefited from reading your story. Thanks so much for sharing it here. I appreciate you.

Gail

4/22/2015 07:56:49 am

Wow, I SO appreciate all of your thoughts and comments. Thanks a lot. I've opted to send the card, say a prayer, and keep it moving. My history with that family and with my former mother in law is long and complicated. I realize that the move I make at this point is for me as much as it is for my former MIL or anyone else. I am at peace with my decision. I wish them peace, as well. I do. Really. I DO wish them peace. OK, I wish them a little bit of peace. Pray for me! (smile)

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